Thank you for joining me again….its been six weeks since my first blog…..sounds like I am about to go into a confession….and maybe that’s what my blog is…. I told you before I see this as a chat, a natter, two friends just sat chewing the cud over a coffee or herbal tea…..
I think if it was a confessional I would be saying …I AM AN IMPOSTER ….I seem to have struggled with doubting myself or possibly imposter syndrome my whole life…obviously I googled it to find the true definition:
Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and
feeling like a fraud.
I am even going as far to say I think I have always doubted my abilities even as a little one ….. I am the only girl in a family of 4 children and I was the youngest…. I have 3 older brothers and I was always in competition with the youngest one ….who was mums favourite? Who could impress mum with the best gift?….all extremely stupid but I think it sowed the seed for not being good enough and doubting myself.
As time went on and I went to school, I was always the class clown, the chatty girl, the one with the report that said ‘could do better if she listened’…..but I think all this was covering up I was not particularly interested. To be honest looking back it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested or smart enough, it was that I am easily bored and need things to move at a pace so that they kept my attention.
I left school with average exam grades ….no thought or interest of going to university, I just wanted to get a job and earn some money…it was the 80’s after all and there were lots of jobs around. I did well I moved jobs every 3 or 4 years not really knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up....but enjoying what I did ….thats always been my goal ….no big plans of being a high flyer just enjoying myself.
I was once called a diamond in the rough…I had no idea what this meant but apparently its someone who has potential, a person who will achieve success with the right care and polish…..it was a compliment …I am not sure I took it that way at the time…I wish I had.
Then one day someone asked me if I had a degree…..obviously I said no …"why" they asked ….".never needed one" I replied, they were shocked… everyone around me had been to university and I hadn’t - OMG I was a fraud. I had worked my way through the business and I hadn’t been to uni…..this stayed with me, I think I have mentioned before I am an over thinker!!
Even when I became a director in the business I never ever believed it…..how is that possible. I knew I was good at what I did but I never thought I was better then anyone else…..I was an imposter!!
I always tried not to show how I really felt inside which as you can appreciate made some days exhausting ....but luckily I had stuck to my original goal from the 80's of enjoying what I did, I always made sure I loved whatever job I was doing, which I am sure made it easier to cover it up.
So here I am ….I now have left the corporate world behind me and I AM AN ARTIST…..but without any formal training and only been doing it a year how can I be an artist ….still the doubt kicks in and the imposter syndrome raises its ugly head again…I get so many compliments and I am always surprised when people buy from me …so what will it take to stop feeling like an imposter….
Apparently the feeling will never truly go away, I just have to learn to manage the feelings, stop playing down my achievements and start to celebrate success no matter how small….stay in the moment, don’t worry about what has happened or what might happen ….now is all that matters. I also think surrounding yourself with like minded people who share your passion and love you for who you are is really important....
So thank you for taking the time to read this little blog, for allowing me to share ….its very cathartic to open up and I think by sharing we can create a positive change.
I try make my life all about positivity ….its hard as life has its ups and downs but seeing the good in things is the only way …..be kind, be happy and be in the moment.
Thank you again for your time…if you get chance take a look around my website and let me know what you think….it all helps.
Take care and lets catch up real soon :-)
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